last weekend

I did allot of drugs this last weekend, I just wanted to unwind a little and I also went to a rave. I had always enjoyed drugs, I don't care about laws, I think all that stuff is silly. When I was high on MDMA I started to think about things. I'm not sure what happened but I couldn't stop thinking about all the people I've wronged.  I also thought about serving 2 masters. I started emailing and calling people, I hit my brother up first, we had some family issues from the mid 90's that I always wanted to talk about. I called my ex girlfriend, I got her voice mail and just started crying. Were meeting next week to talk. I emailed a nice girl I had coffee with a few months before but she wasn't interested in hanging out again. It wasn't that big of deal, she wasn't really my type but she was very nice and I got a sense of strong faith. Well I never responded to her email(put it off for a day that became 4 months) and was now embarrased every time I would see here. Well I emailed her and apologized and I was excited to get a email very quickly back that was very nice. I also emailed 2 girls I had slept with who had wanted much more from me than I was willing to give. I have allot of shame for the things I have done. This is my 2nd day of sobriety, I'm praying to the Lord to help me. My roommate Rick could use some prayers also. He has been pretty sick for a while, I'm not sure how much longer he has. My good friend in San Diego had a hearing today. I'm not sure how it went but I'm praying that he gets another chance. Thank you Lord Jesus for all the things you have given me.

my problems

There are allot of things that I am not proud of, but even worse than that are some of the things I am proud of. I love pornography and of course the real thing. I'm proud of how many drugs I can do, very shameful thing to take pride in. I'm angry allot, I'm mad at strangers walking down the street. At least 10 times a day I come up with a scenario in my head where a stranger near me insults me for no reason and this becomes an imaginary war in my head. I scream at them and some times even fight them. The thing is I would never fight anyone. I punched 1 person 10 years ago and still feel bad about it. I'm also mad allot at people who I see has wronging me. I stew allot in my own head about what these people have done to me. The last group that I am angry with are people who would consider me a friend. The problem is I might not like these people any more, I hang out with a few people because I think it's the Christian thing too do, help other. The problem is I resent these people and I also have imaginary arguments with them. I ask the Risen Lord Jesus Christ to bind Satan's influence in my life and give me the strength to love and let the past go. Thank you Lord, please pray for me.

trying to only serve one master

I went to go visit my best friend last weekend. I was traveling a hundred or so miles to visit him and I was going to stay with him. When I got there I couldn't get a hold of him and had to rent a hotel room. I prayed allot that the Lord would reveal my friend to me. I remember being mad a few times during the weekend that I couldn't get a hold of him. I knew something had to be wrong for him too not get back to me. During those days he was missing I prayed but I also played scenarios in my mind where he called me out of the blue with some stupid excuse and I would always get mad in my head. I'm ashamed of those thoughts as I should be overjoyed with any news from him. Three days after I got there I finally was able to find out that hew had been incarcerated the whole time. He is still in jail so prayers would be appreciated, I'm still not sure what he did. The point of this whole story is that the first thought I had when I found out he was in jail was if I could lie and become his alibi. I realized my love and devotion to my friend would put me at odds to our Father in Heaven and his plans. It's a tough lesson for me, I want to be the friend who can be counted on to make everything right. The problem is I'm not the Risen Lord Jesus Christ, nothing is done through me with out first going through Him. I can not save anyone, If you stand with me you stand against the Lord. I like allot of people have a personal code, unfortunately some of the rules I follow are against God's Law.

I'm just a sinner, I am not worthy of the Lord's Love but he has given it too me any way. I love and thank Jesus for all that I have.